Getting from MS. to MRS.
Usually I post about things that cater to no particular gender, however, this one right here is for the ladies. Fellas, I have not forgotten about you, and will definitely have little something for you at a later date. ;)
Now, let's get down to business. First things first, you need to understand the most typical reasons why men usually will not commit in the first place. These reasons have nothing to do with you. These are issues that would be there no matter who he was dating. Simply put, most of them are waiting on the 'bigger, better, deal'- a fatter booty, a cuter face, slimmer waist, good hair, etc. What they don't realize is that waiting on the next best thing turns into anything with a pulse really fast. It will seem as if it happened overnight and then all of a sudden they became 'that dude'. We've all seen him- either at the club or in the grocery store, you can spot 'that dude' from a mile away- middle-aged, probably balding or practically a full head of gray hair, out of shape, clinging to his youth by pulling the little bit of hair that will grow into a ponytail or the thinnest cornrows you've ever seen in your life. In addition to his pitiful, physical appearance, 9 times out of 10, he is relying solely on what's in his wallet to hook a pretty, little thang like you because now, that's all he really has to offer. He wasted his good years chasing new tail instead of holding on to 'the keeper'. It is the likely fate of most men that have, more often than not, met 'the one' and chose to keep looking. Funny thing is, if they ever found the one they were looking for she probably wouldn't give him the time of day, but don't tell him that. So, what do we do with these delusional men you ask? How do you get over the hump? What can you do to help him see the light?
Let's start at the very beginning. From the very first date you have to make your standards known. If your potential boo believes you are a woman of outstanding integrity, unwavering on your beliefs, and well-knowing your own value and what you bring to the table, he will either rise to the occasion, or step out of the way for the real man that belongs at your side. However, if you are the wishy- washy type, the one that will alter and adjust who you are just to fit the expectation of any man that shows even the slightest interest in you, get ready for a bumpy ride. Most men want a woman that can stand her ground, but is also willing to compromise when it is deemed necessary, and she will know the difference between the two. People in general only do to you what you will allow them to. In other words, if you are OK with playing second fiddle to the next chick, you will; if you are OK with being 5th, 6th, or 7th on his priority list, you will; if you are OK with playing house, having his kids, and taking on a wife's duties within a family and a marriage before you get that bling, you will always be wifey and never his wife.
You can not let your man drive your relationship to the altar on his own. Your eggs will be dried up like little raisins and your dream gown will be seriously out of date if you let that happen. From the very beginning, both of you need to know each other's intentions. If he was looking for a bootycall in the first place, and you were looking for your husband, there is a huge disconnect already, but once you have established that you both do have shared intentions plus 6 months or so, start the clock. That's not to say push him down the aisle kicking and screaming tomorrow, but after you both have determined that you love each other whole-heartedly, you have no desire to seek out any other prospects, and you are or could see yourselves sharing your lives together, the question is no longer if but when, and you need clarity on the intentions of where this relationship is or isn't going. Here is where we refer back to step 1- standards. Your man needs to know that you will not wait forever. Step 2- Timing. Once you have established yourselves as exclusive and maintained a relationship for atleast 6 months, your mental meter should start running. I would set the time-frame at the 1 year mark-definitely no sooner than 9 months. The all important, likely determining factor of your fate is what choices are made in each pivotal moment, but you have to establish where those moments are. Knowing that you have shared intentions is good. Establishing that you are exclusive is great. Lasting for 6 months exclusively is awesome. The next stop-your 1 year anniversary, and a new time-frame.
So you made it to the 1 year mark- congratulations. Now, you need to establish the Ms. to Mrs. time-frame. Most men panic the first time their girlfriend brings up marriage because they don't know where it came from. As far as they're concerned, this came out of left field, and he didn't even know she wanted to get married at all. Well, this is how you do away with that. Whether it's 3 years, 4 years, or 5 years whatever time-frame you feel comfortable with is what he should expect. He should know your expectations and that by said point in your relationship a decision must be made. If for no other reason, you do not have the luxury of waiting until you're 80 to have your first child, so you don't want to waste your good years with a man that doesn't seem to think you deserve to have a husband instead of a babydaddy.
Now, when you share this time-frame with your man, it will not be nearly as terrifying to him because marriage is not being used as an ultimatum but a distant possibility. He will not be as intimidated by the idea because he knows you, he loves you, and he has plenty of time to think about it. A smart man will utilize every meaningful moment the two of you share from now until then to help him determine if he is or is not the one for you. If he is, your rock will be on your left, ring finger within a minimum of 2 years, but if he isn't, he probably won't make it past the next 2 years anyway, and even if he does, he already knows why you're walking away. The man truly meant for you won't let that happen. I know everybody remembers that episode on MARTIN when Brian McKnight came out singing to Gina in the park. HELLO! Truth is, men have no problem dating forever. None of them ever dreamed of their big day, or atleast it was probably something more to the effect of: "...and the #1 draft pick for the so-and-so team of the NFL, NBA, NHL, etc., (insert his name here)!" They just are not built the same way. Like MARTIN, your man needs to know that you know how much of an asset you are, know that another man would be more than happy to replace him, and know you can and will go find him.
Lastly, if you are not the proactive type you might want to become one. Very few men under 40 just decide to hand over their other options without some skepticism and they are usually pretty hesitant to relinquish the possibility of getting the bigger, better, deal. They don't know she's not coming. Therefore, they need guidance. All of them have to be guided by the women in their lives. From the second they make their first appearance, their mothers set the stage. "You need to get a good education. Find a nice girl. Land a good job so you can provide for your family..." Then it's, "When are you going to give me some grandbabies?" The mothers never fully relinquish their rights rather they become willing to or have no choice but to share them and take a backseat once there's a wife in the picture. Then you take care of him. You make sure and see to everything for the rest of his life. Finally, when your man is old and gray, if you're not there to make sure he's still on point, chances are your daughter will have to keep him together. That's just how it works-very simple. Steve Harvey's book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man is a bestseller, but he still had a woman help him write it. (Yup, her name is in very small print on the binding.) Bottom line, ladies, know your role, know your worth, and believe if he is truly meant for you he will have no problem letting you take your rightful place at his side and with his last name.
Now, let's get down to business. First things first, you need to understand the most typical reasons why men usually will not commit in the first place. These reasons have nothing to do with you. These are issues that would be there no matter who he was dating. Simply put, most of them are waiting on the 'bigger, better, deal'- a fatter booty, a cuter face, slimmer waist, good hair, etc. What they don't realize is that waiting on the next best thing turns into anything with a pulse really fast. It will seem as if it happened overnight and then all of a sudden they became 'that dude'. We've all seen him- either at the club or in the grocery store, you can spot 'that dude' from a mile away- middle-aged, probably balding or practically a full head of gray hair, out of shape, clinging to his youth by pulling the little bit of hair that will grow into a ponytail or the thinnest cornrows you've ever seen in your life. In addition to his pitiful, physical appearance, 9 times out of 10, he is relying solely on what's in his wallet to hook a pretty, little thang like you because now, that's all he really has to offer. He wasted his good years chasing new tail instead of holding on to 'the keeper'. It is the likely fate of most men that have, more often than not, met 'the one' and chose to keep looking. Funny thing is, if they ever found the one they were looking for she probably wouldn't give him the time of day, but don't tell him that. So, what do we do with these delusional men you ask? How do you get over the hump? What can you do to help him see the light?
Let's start at the very beginning. From the very first date you have to make your standards known. If your potential boo believes you are a woman of outstanding integrity, unwavering on your beliefs, and well-knowing your own value and what you bring to the table, he will either rise to the occasion, or step out of the way for the real man that belongs at your side. However, if you are the wishy- washy type, the one that will alter and adjust who you are just to fit the expectation of any man that shows even the slightest interest in you, get ready for a bumpy ride. Most men want a woman that can stand her ground, but is also willing to compromise when it is deemed necessary, and she will know the difference between the two. People in general only do to you what you will allow them to. In other words, if you are OK with playing second fiddle to the next chick, you will; if you are OK with being 5th, 6th, or 7th on his priority list, you will; if you are OK with playing house, having his kids, and taking on a wife's duties within a family and a marriage before you get that bling, you will always be wifey and never his wife.
You can not let your man drive your relationship to the altar on his own. Your eggs will be dried up like little raisins and your dream gown will be seriously out of date if you let that happen. From the very beginning, both of you need to know each other's intentions. If he was looking for a bootycall in the first place, and you were looking for your husband, there is a huge disconnect already, but once you have established that you both do have shared intentions plus 6 months or so, start the clock. That's not to say push him down the aisle kicking and screaming tomorrow, but after you both have determined that you love each other whole-heartedly, you have no desire to seek out any other prospects, and you are or could see yourselves sharing your lives together, the question is no longer if but when, and you need clarity on the intentions of where this relationship is or isn't going. Here is where we refer back to step 1- standards. Your man needs to know that you will not wait forever. Step 2- Timing. Once you have established yourselves as exclusive and maintained a relationship for atleast 6 months, your mental meter should start running. I would set the time-frame at the 1 year mark-definitely no sooner than 9 months. The all important, likely determining factor of your fate is what choices are made in each pivotal moment, but you have to establish where those moments are. Knowing that you have shared intentions is good. Establishing that you are exclusive is great. Lasting for 6 months exclusively is awesome. The next stop-your 1 year anniversary, and a new time-frame.
So you made it to the 1 year mark- congratulations. Now, you need to establish the Ms. to Mrs. time-frame. Most men panic the first time their girlfriend brings up marriage because they don't know where it came from. As far as they're concerned, this came out of left field, and he didn't even know she wanted to get married at all. Well, this is how you do away with that. Whether it's 3 years, 4 years, or 5 years whatever time-frame you feel comfortable with is what he should expect. He should know your expectations and that by said point in your relationship a decision must be made. If for no other reason, you do not have the luxury of waiting until you're 80 to have your first child, so you don't want to waste your good years with a man that doesn't seem to think you deserve to have a husband instead of a babydaddy.
Now, when you share this time-frame with your man, it will not be nearly as terrifying to him because marriage is not being used as an ultimatum but a distant possibility. He will not be as intimidated by the idea because he knows you, he loves you, and he has plenty of time to think about it. A smart man will utilize every meaningful moment the two of you share from now until then to help him determine if he is or is not the one for you. If he is, your rock will be on your left, ring finger within a minimum of 2 years, but if he isn't, he probably won't make it past the next 2 years anyway, and even if he does, he already knows why you're walking away. The man truly meant for you won't let that happen. I know everybody remembers that episode on MARTIN when Brian McKnight came out singing to Gina in the park. HELLO! Truth is, men have no problem dating forever. None of them ever dreamed of their big day, or atleast it was probably something more to the effect of: "...and the #1 draft pick for the so-and-so team of the NFL, NBA, NHL, etc., (insert his name here)!" They just are not built the same way. Like MARTIN, your man needs to know that you know how much of an asset you are, know that another man would be more than happy to replace him, and know you can and will go find him.
Lastly, if you are not the proactive type you might want to become one. Very few men under 40 just decide to hand over their other options without some skepticism and they are usually pretty hesitant to relinquish the possibility of getting the bigger, better, deal. They don't know she's not coming. Therefore, they need guidance. All of them have to be guided by the women in their lives. From the second they make their first appearance, their mothers set the stage. "You need to get a good education. Find a nice girl. Land a good job so you can provide for your family..." Then it's, "When are you going to give me some grandbabies?" The mothers never fully relinquish their rights rather they become willing to or have no choice but to share them and take a backseat once there's a wife in the picture. Then you take care of him. You make sure and see to everything for the rest of his life. Finally, when your man is old and gray, if you're not there to make sure he's still on point, chances are your daughter will have to keep him together. That's just how it works-very simple. Steve Harvey's book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man is a bestseller, but he still had a woman help him write it. (Yup, her name is in very small print on the binding.) Bottom line, ladies, know your role, know your worth, and believe if he is truly meant for you he will have no problem letting you take your rightful place at his side and with his last name.
This is very vaulable info. I love it!! I have a quick question. When you said be proactive does that mean be proactive in the relationship or is it ok to be proactive when approaching a man. I've been taught that a man makes the first move but is that true for today's time?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed it! When I say proactive I mean being an active participant in your relationship. You can not just expect him to just do, say, or give you what you want without making your needs clear. It's nice when it happens, but it's also rare.
DeleteIn regards to your question, I do think a man making the first move is his first sign of interest. A man may not dislike being approached by a woman, but they don't often reject women either. You can't really tell how interested he is when you approach him.(There will be a blog on that in the near future.)
With all that being said, there's nothing wrong with sending him an invitation to ask you out. For example, catching his eyes and holding them for a minute. Lick your lips, give him a little smile, and play shy but interested. Any man that's interested in you will definitely take you up on your timid yet effective invitation.
Thanks for the question, and keep a look out for the follow-up blog. =)