The Great Foundation- Love, Marriage, and All That
When I first began blogging, I was asked by several friends if I would do any posts on marriage, and when. I have a real appreciation for the help I've been able to give those wanting to be married, those that are happily married now, and those that are courageously fighting the flames of divorce off of their marriage on a daily basis. The following is the foundation. We, my husband and myself, believe with a strong foundation even the heaviest of burdens can be laid down and the structure they fall upon will remain unshaken; well, maybe shaken, but not destroyed. If you would like to be married one day, these are some of the important things you should consider before doing so. If you are happily married, congratulations; read along and nod your head. If your marriage is in peril; take these words to begin getting back to a simpler place. Find, fix, and even rebuild your foundation. It is never too late as long as everyone is still willing to put in the work.
Marriage consists of two individuals who have chosen each other as partners regardless of the possibility of “the bigger, better, deal” or the uncertainty of life’s little surprises at every corner. These individuals have agreed to be committed to each other for the duration of their life’s journey despite the varying odds and circumstances that may come; they have chosen to face them together, and both are eternally grateful that the one they have chosen for themselves has chosen them as well. To me, this should already be apparent and established before you even get to the aisle, and if it's not, don't look for it after. Your marriage and the failures or blessings that come with it, are reflections of the choices you've made. Some say marriage is complicated, but I don't believe that. My marriage is far from complicated. We have ups and downs like everyone else, but we talk, laugh, dance, smile, and hug enough to make up for the down times tenfold. There are many reasons after so many years we are so happy and stable. For starters, he remains who he has always been in a sense while he loves me even better and stronger than he has before. We've become a unit with equal goals, ambitions, support, and love for one another, with a clear understanding of what we want out of life, and frankly, he has exceeded my expectations by far and continues to do so faithfully.
Married life should be an extension of the love and time you've already shared before the titles. When it's all said and done, you are back to your regular routine in conjunction to the titles you've earned. Being married should not change your expectations of your spouse or your relationship; they should be set and understood prior to the marriage. While your expectations for the relationship may grow or be altered for improvements, your expectations for your spouse should primarily remain the same. Choosing to get married in itself means the person you are with already meets your expectations. Contrary to popular belief, getting married does not mean the one you're with will magically turn into the person you've always dreamed of. While marriage comes with added responsibility and obligation, it does not mean they are willing or going to change who they are just to be with you. He or she will likely remain whoever it is they are and have been before you walked down the aisle. Your clumsy boyfriend becomes your husband that just dropped something. Your messy girlfriend becomes your untidy wife. Sure, people can grow and evolve, but very few make extreme changes to their original fabric, and when they change, it's because they have choosen to. You really need and deserve to get to know the core of who they are before you decide to take the leap. This is not a leap that should be made on faith alone.
Now, let's be clear, very clear on who they are. Who one is has nothing to do with how much they make, where they work, where they live, what they drive, what they do for you, or their potential to be who you envision they should be. If any of the above are reasons you would or have married someone, prepare to be disappointed. Those things are variable and will more than likely change. Your reasons for marrying someone need to be based on their internal attributes: their sense of humor, positive attitude, fun nature, warm and loving energy, etc. These are the foundational things that make up who they are and can not be easily changed by circumstances or environmental influence. You must also, without any doubt, accept and know this to be true: no one is exempt from their humanity. Allow your loved one frequent forgiveness because if for no other reason and may be in other ways; you too are imperfect. Basically, when you marry someone, you should marry that person for who they are, how much they mean to you, how they make you feel, and the joy they bring to your life -while understanding, no one is perfect including you so he or she is not going to do everything "right" all of the time, yet you want to be joined to them forever, anyway. When you marry someone knowing exactly who they are; that is the first brick in the cement to a strong foundation which gives your relationship a fighting chance.
Essentially, there are constants that still hold true that were established before we married. You should always have, plan, and discuss your unified goals, personal aspirations, and your individual intentions. When putting your plans out in the open, you can determine whether or not you are on the same page as far as where you are and where you would like to see yourselves in the future. When two like-minded souls join together, they can set goals and make an effective plan to achieve them with very little pushback. However, if everybody is not on board you will find yourself in a backward motion or standing still because in a marriage, progression only comes with joint effort. Thankfully, making a plan is an ongoing practice. If you haven't started yet, there's no time like the present.
Having a discussion about your goals and your plans on achieving them will allow you both clarity on what it is you desire for your family, where you would like to go as an individual and as a unit, and how you plan to get there. This is a conversation that also needs to happen before you get married. I think the trials you face and having these discussions are meant to help measure how flimsy or pliable the relationship actually is. A key to a healthy relationship that is often overlooked but so important, is the collective belief system, your courage, and ability to overcome and conquer things as a unit. Becoming a unit requires the following: you have no desire to be (emotionally or physically) with anyone else, nor do you want to experience life’s challenges or successes without them, and you accept how you react to the achievement of your goals together and how you handle the difficult emotions regarding the ones you don't.
In my opinion, a successful marriage is the positive result of several relationship altering events the unit survived. While some are pleasant and subtle, others can practically destroy or severely damage the relationship, but it all comes down to the mentality of the unit; when they muster up the strength to push forward despite of all they have been through and all they have yet to see. A general, simplified definition of a successful, well-married or soon-to-be well-married couple is when one party knows all of the other's faults, as multiple, complex, and sometimes frustrating as they may be, and yet one is still undoubtedly in love with that person; couldn't, wouldn't, and won't allow themselves another day without them in it. The love between them is simply unwavering and that kind of love will last a lifetime. How do you know it will last? Well, the reality is, only your actions within your relationship can determine its longevity, married or not. So here's the gift, as long as both halves of the unit are determined to constantly bring more positive energy to the relationship than anything else; they appreciate the good and bad for what they're worth but focus mostly on the good, while learning from, forgiving, and letting go of the bad; never forgetting what made them fall in love in the first place applying the conscious expression of that love daily, and as a unit maintaing a "make it work" attitude; and it will.
Marriage consists of two individuals who have chosen each other as partners regardless of the possibility of “the bigger, better, deal” or the uncertainty of life’s little surprises at every corner. These individuals have agreed to be committed to each other for the duration of their life’s journey despite the varying odds and circumstances that may come; they have chosen to face them together, and both are eternally grateful that the one they have chosen for themselves has chosen them as well. To me, this should already be apparent and established before you even get to the aisle, and if it's not, don't look for it after. Your marriage and the failures or blessings that come with it, are reflections of the choices you've made. Some say marriage is complicated, but I don't believe that. My marriage is far from complicated. We have ups and downs like everyone else, but we talk, laugh, dance, smile, and hug enough to make up for the down times tenfold. There are many reasons after so many years we are so happy and stable. For starters, he remains who he has always been in a sense while he loves me even better and stronger than he has before. We've become a unit with equal goals, ambitions, support, and love for one another, with a clear understanding of what we want out of life, and frankly, he has exceeded my expectations by far and continues to do so faithfully.
Married life should be an extension of the love and time you've already shared before the titles. When it's all said and done, you are back to your regular routine in conjunction to the titles you've earned. Being married should not change your expectations of your spouse or your relationship; they should be set and understood prior to the marriage. While your expectations for the relationship may grow or be altered for improvements, your expectations for your spouse should primarily remain the same. Choosing to get married in itself means the person you are with already meets your expectations. Contrary to popular belief, getting married does not mean the one you're with will magically turn into the person you've always dreamed of. While marriage comes with added responsibility and obligation, it does not mean they are willing or going to change who they are just to be with you. He or she will likely remain whoever it is they are and have been before you walked down the aisle. Your clumsy boyfriend becomes your husband that just dropped something. Your messy girlfriend becomes your untidy wife. Sure, people can grow and evolve, but very few make extreme changes to their original fabric, and when they change, it's because they have choosen to. You really need and deserve to get to know the core of who they are before you decide to take the leap. This is not a leap that should be made on faith alone.
Now, let's be clear, very clear on who they are. Who one is has nothing to do with how much they make, where they work, where they live, what they drive, what they do for you, or their potential to be who you envision they should be. If any of the above are reasons you would or have married someone, prepare to be disappointed. Those things are variable and will more than likely change. Your reasons for marrying someone need to be based on their internal attributes: their sense of humor, positive attitude, fun nature, warm and loving energy, etc. These are the foundational things that make up who they are and can not be easily changed by circumstances or environmental influence. You must also, without any doubt, accept and know this to be true: no one is exempt from their humanity. Allow your loved one frequent forgiveness because if for no other reason and may be in other ways; you too are imperfect. Basically, when you marry someone, you should marry that person for who they are, how much they mean to you, how they make you feel, and the joy they bring to your life -while understanding, no one is perfect including you so he or she is not going to do everything "right" all of the time, yet you want to be joined to them forever, anyway. When you marry someone knowing exactly who they are; that is the first brick in the cement to a strong foundation which gives your relationship a fighting chance.
Essentially, there are constants that still hold true that were established before we married. You should always have, plan, and discuss your unified goals, personal aspirations, and your individual intentions. When putting your plans out in the open, you can determine whether or not you are on the same page as far as where you are and where you would like to see yourselves in the future. When two like-minded souls join together, they can set goals and make an effective plan to achieve them with very little pushback. However, if everybody is not on board you will find yourself in a backward motion or standing still because in a marriage, progression only comes with joint effort. Thankfully, making a plan is an ongoing practice. If you haven't started yet, there's no time like the present.
Having a discussion about your goals and your plans on achieving them will allow you both clarity on what it is you desire for your family, where you would like to go as an individual and as a unit, and how you plan to get there. This is a conversation that also needs to happen before you get married. I think the trials you face and having these discussions are meant to help measure how flimsy or pliable the relationship actually is. A key to a healthy relationship that is often overlooked but so important, is the collective belief system, your courage, and ability to overcome and conquer things as a unit. Becoming a unit requires the following: you have no desire to be (emotionally or physically) with anyone else, nor do you want to experience life’s challenges or successes without them, and you accept how you react to the achievement of your goals together and how you handle the difficult emotions regarding the ones you don't.
In my opinion, a successful marriage is the positive result of several relationship altering events the unit survived. While some are pleasant and subtle, others can practically destroy or severely damage the relationship, but it all comes down to the mentality of the unit; when they muster up the strength to push forward despite of all they have been through and all they have yet to see. A general, simplified definition of a successful, well-married or soon-to-be well-married couple is when one party knows all of the other's faults, as multiple, complex, and sometimes frustrating as they may be, and yet one is still undoubtedly in love with that person; couldn't, wouldn't, and won't allow themselves another day without them in it. The love between them is simply unwavering and that kind of love will last a lifetime. How do you know it will last? Well, the reality is, only your actions within your relationship can determine its longevity, married or not. So here's the gift, as long as both halves of the unit are determined to constantly bring more positive energy to the relationship than anything else; they appreciate the good and bad for what they're worth but focus mostly on the good, while learning from, forgiving, and letting go of the bad; never forgetting what made them fall in love in the first place applying the conscious expression of that love daily, and as a unit maintaing a "make it work" attitude; and it will.
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