There's No 'D' in Marriage
Yet another friend is going through a divorce and I asked myself- how do we keep getting here? Why are so many seemingly happy couples before their marriage doing a 180 within the first 3 years? What changes and are those changes, if any, so drastic that divorce is the only answer?
For starters, I think the beginning of the end begins with you. Many 20-30 somethings get to a certain age, and decide that to fit the timeline they have set for themselves (or someone has set for them), they need to get married soon or as soon as possible. That is the first trending mistake- deciding to get married before finding the one worthy of marrying you. Having that statement in the forefront of your mind changes how you interact with your potential mate. They begin to look like contestants for a game show or applicants for a job instead of lifelong partners. Your relationships become more calculated and you keep tally of how you can make it work instead of weighing the attributes he or she has that match up with the person you seek. Marriage becomes the goal instead of getting to know the individual first, and then concluding this is someone you could spend the rest of your life with and have a true desire to do so.
Finding true love begins with you being true to yourself. I can't count how many times I have heard a friend utter the words that send chills down my spine, moisture to my palms, and palpitations to my heart, "I want to get married", yet said friend is in a tumultuous relationship or not in one at all. How can you want to be apart of something that is meant to last a lifetime before knowing who you want to do this with? Let's be clear, no man or woman is going to show up at your door wrapped in a big, red bow fitting every little quality you seek, but at least make sure they possess the minimum requirements before diving into a serious relationship or marriage for that matter. You must know the one you're with, and knowing someone takes time (something we seem to have so little of these days). If you can not invest time into anything else, spend some time learning yourself, what you are looking for in a partner, and then learn your partner. The only way you can truly know if you are with the right person is to know them: their character, qualities, and faults and know if you can or can not live with the sum of those things.
I have asked many of my single friends what kind of man/woman they're looking for, and the answer always goes something like the following: physical features- tall/short, blonde/brunette, thin, or thick. Then of course, personality traits- funny, smart, driven, out-going, or laid back. Last but not least and arguably most important to some are the deal breakers i.e. baggage. The must have(s) typically consist of: a job, a car, own place to live, and finally, the must NOT have(s): no job, kids, baby-daddy/ baby-mama drama, wife or husband. After the description is concrete, I always ask a follow up question, "How many of those traits/characteristics does your current partner meet?" 9 times out of 10, they have only 3 traits of the ideal mate described in list of attributes they desire. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone that has little to no qualities you are looking for, chances are, this person is just a seat-warmer until the real thing comes along.
So if you've made it down the aisle, congratulations! If you're hanging onto your marriage by a very thin thread, consider this advice as a road map to recovery. No marriage is unsavable if both parties are committed to the process and sacrifice it may take to get back to neutral. Successful, happy marriages are made of two people who know who they are as individuals and what they each bring to the table. In addition to knowing themselves, they know who they want their mate to be, have, or bring to the table as well. A person ready for marriage knows the person they're with including their faults and flaws and still desires to spend the rest of their life with them. A couple that should get married already have an understanding of what they want to come of this union be it children, businesses, or otherwise, and both will put equal amounts of effort to see their goals come to fruition. Both will work at their relationship diligently, committed to growing together, as a unit to make the best of this life, and never taking each other's presence for granted. Both are encouraging and supportive of one another, accepting each other's limitations, praising each other's successes, and continuously striving to be a united force in the face of any adverse situation or circumstance.
For starters, I think the beginning of the end begins with you. Many 20-30 somethings get to a certain age, and decide that to fit the timeline they have set for themselves (or someone has set for them), they need to get married soon or as soon as possible. That is the first trending mistake- deciding to get married before finding the one worthy of marrying you. Having that statement in the forefront of your mind changes how you interact with your potential mate. They begin to look like contestants for a game show or applicants for a job instead of lifelong partners. Your relationships become more calculated and you keep tally of how you can make it work instead of weighing the attributes he or she has that match up with the person you seek. Marriage becomes the goal instead of getting to know the individual first, and then concluding this is someone you could spend the rest of your life with and have a true desire to do so.
Finding true love begins with you being true to yourself. I can't count how many times I have heard a friend utter the words that send chills down my spine, moisture to my palms, and palpitations to my heart, "I want to get married", yet said friend is in a tumultuous relationship or not in one at all. How can you want to be apart of something that is meant to last a lifetime before knowing who you want to do this with? Let's be clear, no man or woman is going to show up at your door wrapped in a big, red bow fitting every little quality you seek, but at least make sure they possess the minimum requirements before diving into a serious relationship or marriage for that matter. You must know the one you're with, and knowing someone takes time (something we seem to have so little of these days). If you can not invest time into anything else, spend some time learning yourself, what you are looking for in a partner, and then learn your partner. The only way you can truly know if you are with the right person is to know them: their character, qualities, and faults and know if you can or can not live with the sum of those things.
I have asked many of my single friends what kind of man/woman they're looking for, and the answer always goes something like the following: physical features- tall/short, blonde/brunette, thin, or thick. Then of course, personality traits- funny, smart, driven, out-going, or laid back. Last but not least and arguably most important to some are the deal breakers i.e. baggage. The must have(s) typically consist of: a job, a car, own place to live, and finally, the must NOT have(s): no job, kids, baby-daddy/ baby-mama drama, wife or husband. After the description is concrete, I always ask a follow up question, "How many of those traits/characteristics does your current partner meet?" 9 times out of 10, they have only 3 traits of the ideal mate described in list of attributes they desire. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone that has little to no qualities you are looking for, chances are, this person is just a seat-warmer until the real thing comes along.
So if you've made it down the aisle, congratulations! If you're hanging onto your marriage by a very thin thread, consider this advice as a road map to recovery. No marriage is unsavable if both parties are committed to the process and sacrifice it may take to get back to neutral. Successful, happy marriages are made of two people who know who they are as individuals and what they each bring to the table. In addition to knowing themselves, they know who they want their mate to be, have, or bring to the table as well. A person ready for marriage knows the person they're with including their faults and flaws and still desires to spend the rest of their life with them. A couple that should get married already have an understanding of what they want to come of this union be it children, businesses, or otherwise, and both will put equal amounts of effort to see their goals come to fruition. Both will work at their relationship diligently, committed to growing together, as a unit to make the best of this life, and never taking each other's presence for granted. Both are encouraging and supportive of one another, accepting each other's limitations, praising each other's successes, and continuously striving to be a united force in the face of any adverse situation or circumstance.
Great post babe! I agree with the measurement of the sum of their attributes. Tyler Perry spoke of the "80/20" rule which I think is fair. In my teaching world, 80% is a passing grade,lol. I also believe that their 80 has to be a natural fit for your attributes. If you like a man that's outspoken and loud, you can't be the type of person that demands to be seen all the time cause your always gonna fight for attention. Great Post!!
ReplyDeleteYes, NATURAL attributes are key. Time will display any fake attempts at being the person you think your mate wants verses your true self. That's another thing some people do to force relationships to work, but staying true to yourself first is most important because eventually your true self will always show up anyway. Thanks for your comments, love.
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